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Gayla

(And for the record, i wasnt talking about you sweetie, coz i loves ya too.)

well, the latest on Katie is that they are taking her to be put to sleep for defiante on Friday, so i am going to see her tonight. i'm not looking forward to it at all. if she's really bad then that will upset me to see her suffering, and if she's not then i will be upset because it will seem like having her put down is wrong. i dont know. i feel so stressed at the moment. i still cant decide what to do about my sister. i want it to just go away, but its not going to. i've had so many different suggestions of how to go about things, but with every one of them there is a downside. i have thought about it so much, that i literally cant think straight at the moment. i keep having theoretical conversations with her in my head, but none of them would actually go like that if i had one with her.

i got into trouble yesterday for being on the internet too much, so if i dont leave as many notes and stuff for a while forgive me. but then when my boss asked me if anything was bothering me i burst into tears, and said i didnt want to talk about it. honestly you can go through this diary and probably only find 4 occasions where i have cried in the last year. yet i have cried 3 times since Sunday. i dont know what the matter with me. i cant sleep properly, i keep waking up in a sweat. i had a brief battle with depression when i was 18, not anything really bad, but it was when Jason was messing me about. and i kept getting these starnge feelings, like i wasnt quite with it, like i was watching everything going on rather than actually being there. for a few weeks i thought i was going mad. then i went to the doctors, and he gave me anti-depressants, but i never took them. it was like once i had a reason for feeling like that, it wasnt so scary and i got myself out of it.

well the same keeps happening to me now, except the "not really there" feeling isnt as strong. instead, i feel kind of dizzy and tired all the time, and like i cant be bothered to do anything. and sometimes my breathing becomes erratic, but i know breathing excercises to calm it, so i manage to calm myself. i cant help thinking that maybe i just need a break, but what am i supposed to say to my work? "I'm a but stressed out, so i'm giving myself a bit of time off". i dont think they will go for that, to be honest. and also, what have i really got to be fed up about? everything that is going on, they aren't my problems, they are other people, but i just feel like the weight of them all is on my shoulders.

God, i'm sorry for the doom and gloom. hopefully i will feel better after the weekend. thanks for all your notes and comments of support, they mean a lot.

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