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Gayla

firstly, it looks as if my Nan and Granddads dog, Katie, is going to have to be put to sleep sometime today. We found a tumour in her neck about a month ago, but were told because its right on her jugular vein that it couldnt be removed. we thought she still had at least a couple of months, but she had a really bad turn on Friday night, and it is killing my Nan and Granddad watching her struggling. the vet has assured them she is in no pain, but my Granddad hasnt stopped crying, and every time he starts my Nan starts. my Mum said to me yesterday that if i wanted to see Katie i should have gone yesterday because i wont see her again. but i didnt go for two reasons. number 1 is that i will get hysterical knowing i have only gone there to say goodbye to her. i dont think my granparents need that right now, it will just upset them more. the second reason is that when i saw her last Wednesdy she was still ok, and i would rather remeber her like that. maybe its a bit selfish, but i gave her plenty of fusses then, so she knows that i loved her.

The other thing that happened, is i found out that my sister was on drugs the whole week she was here. nothing really bad, only speed, but i am so angry and dissappointed that i feel like cutting myself off from that entire side of my family and having nothing to do with them ever again. that might sound drastic, but perhaps i had better explain. i am one of those people that drugs dont agree with. i'm not making out i am a complete innocent, i've been known to do the odd pill and the odd line here and there. but i never did stupid amounts, and these days i cant even be in the same room with people smoking a joint without feeling peculiar. i dont like drugs and i dont understand why people do them to the point that they dont even know their own name. its not the same as getting drunk, and anyone who uses that as an argument doesnt have any better argument as far as i'm concerned. drugs are dangerous, and thats why they are illegal. end of.

anyway a few years ago, i found out that my siter Amy had been taking pills (ecstasy). i pretty much hit the roof, and made her promise me that she wouldnt do it anymore because they were dangerous and i didnt want to be spending all my time worrying about her. she promised me she wouldnt, and every time i asked her if she was being good she said yes. however, unluckily for Amy, Lucy, my younger sister (the one who came to stay last month), has a guilty conscience, and tends to not be able to lie to me. so all the while that Amy was telling me she wasnt doing any drugs, Lucy was telling me that actually she was, and so was Lucy. at this point, Amy was about 16 and Lucy was about 14.

anyway, i was angry with Amy for lying to me, and i didnt speak to her for quite some time. i threatened to tell my Dad, but was always taken in by tears and promises that they wouldnt do it again. then i would speak to Lucy and she would tell me that "The other night me and Amy did 10 beans each!" she thought it was very grown up and clever, but they were soon to find out the consequences.

Amy developed epilepsy as a result of the stupid amounts of ecstasy she had been taking. and not just mild epilepsy, its so bad that even now she cannot have a job and she cannot ever be left, or go anywhere on her own. she is on medication so strong to stop her fits that sometimes she doesnt know who or where she is. although the tablets stop the fits, they dont stop the absences she has, where its like she is just a shell for a few minutes. just a body with nobody inside. its horrible. one time she had a fit while she was cooking and no-one was home, and nearly burnt the house down. and to know that all the problems that she has are down to those little tiny pills.....well doesnt it make you wonder "was it really worth it?" because i know she regrets it, and there isnt a day goes by that she doesnt feel stupid and sickened that its all her own fault. because it is. the doctors have even told her that. my Dad doesnt know that, but their Mum does (they have a different Mum to me). she knew when they were taking stupid amounts of drugs and she did NOTHING about it. and i always wished that i had told my Dad, because he wouldnt have stood for it.

anyway, what happened to Amy seemed to scare the pair of them into stopping taking them. every time i have spoken to Lucy she has promised me that they havent been taking anything, and that Amy cant anyway because it will set her off, and because Amy cant, Lucy wont because its not fair. when Lucy came down in May, se admitted to me that she does still take the odd speed tablet to keep her awake at work when she has been out the night before. i wasnt happy about it, but thought that it was commendable that she had told me, and i knew if i went mad she wouldnt come to me again. a few times when she was down her pupils looked big, or she was overly talkative, or she couldnt stop fiddling with her hair, and i said to her "Have you taken anything" and she just laughed and told me not to be so silly. one night we were in Latinos, and Lucy was upsatirs in the toilet with Joey for ages and i went up to go for a wee, and Lucy was in the cubicle. Joey said to me "Your sister's taken something" and i said "How do you know?" and Joey said "Look at her eyes....and she can hardly stand up she just fell off of the toilet" i just laughed and said "Dont worry about it, she's just hammered." i didnt realise untill Joey told me on Saturday that she had just taken 3 speed tablets and given one to Joey (and yes i know Joey shouldnt have done that because its like saying to her its ok to lie, but i'm not going to blame Joey for my sisters wrongs). Joey had been trying to tell me in the toilets, but i basically chose to ignore it. she didnt tell me that she had seen her take them because she knew it would cause a row.

now i feel stupid and betrayed by my sister. why did she disrespect me like that? couldnt she go for one week without them? how dare she do it and then stay under my roof! that is just so wrong, especially when she knows how i feel about her doing them anyway. and the other thing, is that she made me look stupid by telling other people what she was doing, like she was mocking me "Check this out, i can get away with doing drugs around my sister, in her face and she doesnt even know. how clever am i?" i just feel like she is laughing at me. and this happening has now brought allsorts of other things to the surface that i have tried not to think about for a long time. i feel like i just want to cut myself off from my Dads side of the family. to be honest none of them have ever done anything for me at all, even my Dad. i love them all so much, and i idolise my sisters, but i just feel like i dont know them. they certainly dont know me. My sister got cross with Lisa when because Lisa said something and Lucy thought she was suggestin that she knew me better than my sister did. but thats the sad thing. Lisa DOES know me better than my sister does. i speak to Lisa every single day, and although i keep in regular contact with my sister, of course someone i spend more time with is going to know me better. sharing a parent doesnt automatically mean you know someone inside out. i thought i knew her, but i would never have dreamed that she would hurt me like this. i dont know if i'm over-reacting, but i dont think i am. apart from anything else, she abused my hospitatlity and disrespected me in my home. but i guess that explains her mood swings while she was here.

so now i am faced with a dilemma. i know, deep down i should tell my Dad. i know in reality thats what i have to do. but i dont know if i am ready to cut myself off from my sisters and if i go ahead and tell my Dad thats what is going to happen. they wont want to talk to me ever again. at this moment in time i am so angry with my sister that i dont want to talk to her ever again, but i'm not going to be angry forever am i? but at the same time, if she rings me, and i tell her that i know and dont want to talk to her for a while, i will get told i'm being stupid, she will get defensive, we will have a row, i will end up feeling guilty and i wont tell my Dad and nothing will get done about it. i really, really dont know what to do, and i am really upset about it all too. i was going to write about the good stuff that happened this weekend, but i dont really feel like it now.

if anyone has any suggestions on what i should do, feel free to let me know.

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