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Gayla

Well i have surpassed myself now, as in, not only am i not getiing any sex myself, i now appear to be repelling men from wanting it. i am in such a disgustingly vile, horrible, skanky mood now. and i am even more cross at the fact that a man has made me feel like it. perhaps i should explain.

last night i was going through my phone, deleting old text messages to free up some memory. i came across all my texts from Gaz (which upset me a bit), and also loads from Silver Fox which i had forgotten about. loads of them. loads and loads. all caling me "Hotlips" and "Sexy", and being quite graphic about the things that he wanted to do to me to make up for the time when he didnt perform too well (because of the putting hair removal cream on his privates). now i'm not going to put them all down here, but here are a few examples:-

*quite dirty, graphic texts coming up people*

"Here's the deal Hotlips. next time we c each other, my mission is to make you cum with my tongue. then after u cum u can suck me off until i shoot my load all over yor tits x"

"i have told all my mates that you give blow jobs to die for. and that your very pretty and you have a lovely personality"

"so your glad you met me then baby? if you were with me now, i'd fuck you hard and fast until i shoot my load deep inside your hot wet cunt mmmmm x"

"I am lay on my bed reading a book and thinking of your amazing blow job. i'm gonna have to think of you and wank now because i'm getting hard just thinking about it"

and there are many, many, many more besides. these have all been sent since the last time we had sex which was the 8th May. he sent loads before that too.

so anyway, as i found these, i thought "I'm going to text him, and find out why he hasnt lived up to these promises"

so i sent him a jokey kind of text which said

"hello you. just been going thru my fone and have got loads of texts from you saying what you are going to do to me next time you see me, but you havent been round again, instead you keep turning me down. i can think of three reasons for this. 1. you have gone off sex, 2. you got scared that i wanted more from you than sex (i didnt) or 3. you think i am a complete minger. or is it 4. all of the above?"

i know i asked. i know i was asking for it. but the fact that he does keep texting me, and he got the hump for me having lunch with Fent, and also, you know, the fact i obviously didnt realise quite how unattractive i really must be, didnt prepare me for the text i got in response.

"Just got your text, and since you asked, basically i have gone off sex with you. sorry. see you around"

i quite literally felt like i had been punched in the stomach. i even felt tears spring to my eyes (which isnt something that often happens to me). its not that i particularly like him, or even that i particularly wanted him to like me, but the way he put it was like he found me physically repulsive or soemthing. and thats how i feel now. like i must be absolutely disgusting.

i cant help thinking what could have changed. all those texts above have been sent since the last time we had sex, and they kind of give the impression he wants to do it again. so have i developed some kind of man repeller in the last two and a half weeks? do i now have some kind of nervous twitch that i am unaware of? have i become covered in boils? i'm at a loss.

i know that i am fat, but i have been fat every time we have had sex. i havent all of a sudden sprouted another stomach. i'm pretty sure my face is still the same. i know i can still do everything the same way as i did before. i am just bewildered.

i dont think anyone has ever made me feel so repulsive and unattractive. honestly. and its making me more angry with myself that i am letting him make me feel like this. i have been going through many reasons why in my head for example, he is an ex-alcoholic and heroin addict. maybe because he only knows people that are in recovery, he feels the need to bring me down also, because i am not on their level. maybe he is scared he will fall off the wagon, and because he has low self-esteem he wants to make me feel bad too. maybe the fact that i so damned fucking wonderful and have such a great life reminds him of the fact that he has fuck all, and he resents me for that. but basically i think it just comes down to one thing.

HE JUST DOESNT FANCY ME!!!!!

i'm going to get a little bitter here, because. lets face it, i'm a woman whose self-confidence had just ran out of the door quicker than you can say "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here".

i hope he does fall off the wagon. and the chances are that he will. he is doing his recovery in a town that has the highest percentage of re-habs and dry-houses IN THE WORLD!!!! the rate of recovery here isnt good, because every time they walk out of recovery, they walk straight into someone who has fallen back into addiction. so when he is lying in the gutter, with his can of White Lightening, and he has no-one else in the world, i am going to walk past with my gorgeous boyfriend who wants to have sex 27 times a day, and point at him, and laugh. yes i am. because how dare he make me feel so damn ugly and vile.

i do still feel ugly and vile though.

i will try again to leave comments etc today. like i said, i think i tried to leave one for just about everyone yesterday, but......grrrrrrr. they wouldnt work!!!

*HUGS* TOTAL give me some lovin' *HUGS*
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