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Gayla

yeah, i know you were all wondering whether i had been taken over by a cult, or maybe kidnapped by scientists who wanted to know whether it is REALLY possible to have an arse the size of South America, but the truth of the matter is i have just been ill. the weekend after i last updated i had a major hit on the alcohol, which careened into Sunday night (you can ask My Fave Chicken about it. she rang and tried to have a convo with me, but it was impossible with all the drinking calamities going on. anyway, on the Monday, i felt rough as a badgers arse. thinking it was a hangover i rang into work sick. however, it continued for the next week. it wasnt a hangover. it was "viral nausea". then, i couldnt get a doctors note until i had been off for at least 7 days, so i stayed off last Monday aswell, but the doctor gave me a sick note for a week FROM last Monday, and i wasnt allowed to return to work until my sick note had run out, because of health and safety. so it ran out today, and i'm BACK!!!

God i nearly put myself to sleep with that little story.

so whats happened since i last updated? not much actually. i finally watched the Kill Bill films and have found myself addicted to them. i am actually changing my name by deed poll to O-Ren Ishii.

Emma found out that Lee had been seeing someone behind her back even before they broke up and was understandably upset. she went AWOL for a few days, worried the hell out of me, then text me saying she was going to stay with her Mum for a little while. she's kind of lost the plot slightly.

Joey is still seeing Ian a.k.a Matt, and Andy's persistence appears to have stopped (although he had the nerve to ask me to help him fill out some forms!). however. i have spent so much time with Matt i am just about ready to kill him. he said to Joey that when he is in my flat i treat him like an eight year old because i constantly watch him. there are several good reasons for this.

1. he once sat on one of my kittens

2. he once stood on Little Legs' tail

3. he is forever dropping ciggarette ash on my floor and coffee table and my one pet hate is ash on the table!!!

4. its my fucking flat and i want it treated with a little bit of fucking respect!!!!!!!

the other thing that is driving me mad is this. Joeys flat is directly above my lounge. her flat is a lounge/bedroom combined, and is, like i said directly above my main room. sometimes i like to take a quilt in to my lounge and fall asleep watching TV. my bedroom is at the back of the building and above my bedroom i have Johns flat. John has a new girlfriend.

if i fall asleep watching TV i have to listen to Joey and Matt wa-harring. i dont begrudge anybody a good shagging session, but it is so loud it feels as if i am in the room with them. however, we now have a system going whereby Joey gives me three loud knocks on the ceiling when they are about to commence and i turn the TV up, and another three when they finish, so i can turn it back down. but if i am asleep this wakes me up.

if i sleep in the bedroom i have the same problem with John and his new girlfriend. excpet his new girlfriend sounds like a rabid horse with asthma. and i am not really on the sort of terms with John where i can say "John, mate, your Missus sounds like a rabid horse with asthma when you're shagging. do me a favour and gag her, so i can get a bit of shut eye will you? thank you so much"

my alternative? sleep in the kitchen. not really a contest is there?

one good thing about Matt though, he can get me porn. at the moment i am working my way through "One Night In Bangkok" apparently after watching it you will never be the same. this is true, as i never knew it was possible for women to make sounds like these women do. it sounds like a farmyard. i had to check i hadnt got "Animal Farm" by mistake. all in all though, if you turn down the sound "One Night In Bangkok" isnt too bad. it is cerainly better than "Bridget The Midget does Rasta Dave" and "Hump The Aged" two of the previous titles he brought round.

another disturbing thing is i cant stop thinking about a certain someone. i have been having dreams about for the entire fortnight i have been off. i know i have been feverish, but i have started to really want to shmee with him again.

Mallen.

we saw him the Saturday after i last updated. he was out with Andy, and i pretty much ignored him for about three hours. then he came over and apologised for the phone call he gave me at stupid o'clock in the morning (remember when he said he was called George?). well we were chatting that night and getting along quite well. he had on a new top, which, once i had recovred from the shock of seeing him in something different, i realised he looked quite nice in, and he had had a haircut. then something happened which made me realise, he wont ever be succumbing to my charms (or lack of them). My Vicky leaned across me and asked him what his favourite thing about me was.

did he say "She is the sexiest dreamboat this side of the Severn Bridge"?

did he say "Every time i look at her i cum in my pants"?

did he say "Even though she is a large girl and you could get two overcoats out of one pair of her knickers, she has got the face of an angel"?

no. he did not say any of these things.

his reply?

"She's funny"

i'm funny? i'm FUNNY???

brilliant. thank you God. i love being the fat funny one. while my friends get complimented on their fabulous complexions, and slender legs, their pert arses and come to bed eyes, i get told that i am funny.

i was a bit distaught at this, so had to amuse myself by watching Fenton chat up a 14 year old then watching his face when i text him saying "Marc, you are gay".

he was so drunk, i think it took him a minute to remember that he was, in fact, not gay.

the only light on the otherwise dark Mallen situation, is that Matt knows him from when he was younger, and said that everyone on their estate thought his family was weird. there were ever rumours that Mallen had sex with him (own) sister, and i must admit he never even metioned to me that he had a sister.

but then i am not well known for my normalcy.

thats about it for now anyway folks. any of you that left me questions, i will get round to them when i can. i will try and catch up with all your diaries the best i can. i have missed you all.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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