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Gayla

i had a dream about Jason and it was so realistic. sometimes deep down when i think about him, the memories are still so painful that i try to brush over how i felt about him. i try not to think about him too often, because no-one has ever hurt me the way he did. not even either of his brothers.

my dream, was that he phoned me out of the blue. i think the reason it was so realistic was because it was totally normal things happening in it. you know normally in a dream a red indian would run past, or you would think you were at home, but really you're at an elephants tea party or something equally ridiculous. but this dream was all totally normal.

anyway i dreamt that he phoned me out of the blue. and when i asked him where he got my number from, he said he got it from Deans phone. i asked why he was phoning and he said that he had heard some people talking about me and it reminded him of how sweet i was. then he asked ifhe could com and see me, and i told him no. it wouldnt be a good idea for anybody if me and him were to see each other.

anyway, then (still in my dream) he turned up on my doorstep and said that Anthony had told him where i lived. he came in my flat and kept saying that he still loved me and thought about me all the time. i kept saying to him "what about Jody and your son?", and he kept saying that he and Jody had split up ages ago and they didnt have a son, and he had taken this long to get my number from Dean. then he kept trying to hold me and just kept saying over and over again that he loved me, and he wouldnt ever find anyone that made him feel the way i did, and i just kept saying "this is wrong, this is wrong"

when i woke up my pillow was soaked through where i had been crying in my sleep. it was the most horrible vivid dream i have ever had. but the worst part of it? a tiny bit of still wishes it was true. even now, when i havent even spoken to him for nearly two years, he has a son with Jody now, and i have been with other people since then. even now i still have feelings that i have kept denying to myself. i would never do anything about them now. not ever. he hates me, and so does his whole family. and i hate him.

but it still doesnt change the fact that the worst pain i have ever been through was finding out he had gotten back with Jody while i was on holiday. and i dont think i have ever really come to terms with my feelings, or really let go, and let myself feel that hurt. its like i put a barrier up, and although i cried, i didnt let myself dwell on it. even now, i am hard to things. no-one can hurt me, because there is this wall there that protects me from most of the pain. some of it filters through, the occassional tear may squeeze out, but for the most part i am almost indestructable.

and i dont think it has done me any favours.

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