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Gayla

i am not impressed.

i have just come back from tesco's, where all i quite clearly wanted to buy was 3 packets of snack-a-jacks. that was it.

people were in front of me laden with shopping.

do you know, not one person said to me "please go ahead. you will quite clearly take a maximum of 15 seconds to get served, and you are obviously on your lunch break as you have your work badge on. please go in front of me as i will take at least 2 days to go through with all my shopping."

not one person said that to me.

and tesco's are lying bastards.

they DO NOT open up another till if there is more than 1 person in front of you. so do not be fooled by that promise.

anyway i shall tell you all about last night (*note: this does get quite upsetting. if you are a fan of fun betchy, you may not enjoy this entry, although i will try to add an amusing story at the end in case you feel like hanging yourself by the end.)

well, when i finished work last night, i bumped into fenton. (who, incidentally was wearing shorts and no top. what the hell is god trying to do to me??) i tried to ignore him but he called me.

"beck!!!"

"oh, alright trent."

"yeah girl. where you off to?"

"i'm just going to my nans for tea."

"oh right. good night saturday?"

"not really fenton. it was alright, bit boring"

"did you get my text about your mate, whats her name? jo?"

"vicky"

"yeah did you get it?"

"yes. were you after something teling me i looked lush? you never say that to me!!"

"you did look lush" cute grin "i wasnt after anything."

"oh right."

"beck, do you want a new phone?"

"why?"

"i'm getting a free upgrade, so i will have a spare phone."

"how much do you want for it?"

"well if anyone else has it, £60. if you want it though, you can have it for free. you have done so much for me, theres no way i would charge you. you can have first refusal. i really appreciate all you've done for me."

i felt myself welling up then. and i didnt want him to see.

"i've got to go i am going to be late. see you later"

and i ran off. i could hear him calling me but i didnt turn round.

while at my nans i made plans for boss to come round that night and get drunk (i'm not being big-headed, but i really am starting to think that boss fancies me.) when i got back to mine i sent vicky a text saying "just tell me one thing and tell me the truth. did you go home with fenton saturday night?" i got one back saying "yes but only to wait for a taxi because there was a long wait. i thought you didnt like him anymore, you keep telling me you're just good friends." now this is true. i have even tried to convince you d-landers that i only like him as a friend. hell, i have even tried to convince myself.

so i went and phoned her. we kept going round in circles, her saying i should have told her how i felt, me saying it must have been obvious, her saying that it wasnt. to be fair i think i have been doing a pretty good job of hiding my true feelings, because the whole world believed my facade!!! it turned out that they had a bit of a drunken snog. and that was it. i hung up the phone then, because i was so upset.

i sat on my floor, and to take my mind off it i started counting out my change in my change bottle to see how much i had. and i broke. i started crying (which is a rarity in betchyland). and i couldnt stop. i was hunched over, cross legged on my floor, with my head in my hands, and i was sobbing. big gut wrenching sobs that came from a place inside that i didnt even know i had.

i dont think i was just crying because they had a snog. everyone has a drunken snog, it didnt mean anything. fenton has snogged millions of girls in front of me and it hasnt bothered me. i think everything just came out. i have bottled my feelings for him up inside for so long, denying them to everybody, even myself. because i know, that no matter how much he thinks of me, how much time we spend together, he is only ever going to think of me as a friend. no matter how much i do for him, how many drinks i buy him, how many nights we share talking, my feelings are not returned. i have no doubt that he thinks the world of me. i know he does, he loves me to pieces. but he is not attracted to me. he wants my friend ship, nothing more. i know that you all think i should tell him how i feel, and i thank you all sincerely for your notes of support, but i canot tell him how i feel. he would freak out. he wouldnt want to spend any time with me at all, and it would make things awkward, and i dont want that. so please believe me when i say, i really cant tell him. it has actually got to the point now, where i think i might just stop seeing him altogether. stop phoning him, stop inviting him out, and round to mine. i obviously cannot handle being his friend if i act like this. i know he will wonder what is wrong, but, oh, i dont know. i really dont know what i am going to do.

anyway, halfway through my sobbing fit, i phoned boss and told him not to come round. i dont know if he could tell i was upset, because i literally said "boss, i am really tired. going to have an early night, sorry mate." and hung up before he could ask me anything.

anyway, while i was sat on my floor, there was a knock at my door. vicky.

i went and let her in, and when she saw the state i was in, she tried to hug me. i told her to get off of me, i didnt want her sympathy.

we went round in circles again, she kept saying i should have told her how i felt, but i said i hadnt told anybody (which i still havent.) she said i was her best friend in the world and the last thing she would ever want to do was hurt me. she honestly didnt realise i still liked him, because i had done everything in my power to deny it, and anyway, she doesnt even really like him, she only snogged him because she was drunk. she promised that was all that happened, and she was so sorry. i think she was shocked at how upset i was, because i have known her 10 years and she has only ever seen me cry twice. she was almost in tears herself.

i do believe her. she has been a good friend to me, she has never lied to me, and i honeslty think she believed me that i only liked hi as a friend. as i said yesterday, she is the last person i would expect something like this off of. she would never hurt anybody, she really wouldnt.

so i have forgiven her. at the end of the day i am not going to let a drunken snog come between a 10 years friendship. 10 years is a long time.

as for fenton, i dont know what i am going to do.

well i promised something funny to end.

my electric ran out while i was in the shower last night, so the water ran cold. i hopped out of the shower, but because it was dark and i obviously couldnt put the light on, i had to go out in to my (communal) hallway, in the nuddy pants, dripping wet with conditioner still in my hair, and try and fiddle about to put the electric key in.

as if my day hadnt been bad enough.

*HUGS* TOTAL give me some lovin' *HUGS*
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